Introduction: Grittings to all and sundry! As people
may have noticed, the story Blackfire and Gunsmoke by Susan(Dwellin) has become a main attraction on
Ricki’s website. And I must confess, the story is reaching epic length, and I
have been caught up in its deadly maw! Rarely before have I been so entertained
by a fan story. And so I wrote this as a gift for Susan, a sort of kudos to her
for her very hard work on that beast. Thank you so very much for creating such
a fun story, Susan, and for letting my favorite Trigun gal Milly have a
prominent part in it (and thanks to Ricki, owner of the site and Susan’s—and
my—editor!)
Be warned, though, this is no action story—I leave that
stuff to Susan. No, this takes place in between bullet holes, and is little more
than a short dialogue between the two female leads, with the main focus on
Milly. It basically describes what I think are her motivations in the story,
how she reconciled herself to the rather traumatic events of Double Helix to get to be how she is in Susan’s story, and a
mushy, hashed look on the nature of forgiveness in general.
One last thing, this story draws quite a bit on what
happened in Double Helix. If
you have not read it, you will perhaps be a bit confused, but it shouldn’t be
too much of a hindrance. Besides, why the heck would people read Blackfire
and Gunsmoke without reading deleria’s story first?
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Milly loved being a
girl. It was the highest blessing that God Almighty could ever bestow on a
person in her eyes. Being female meant that people generally were less hard on
you; you alone knew the true extent of the joys of chocolate and pudding; and
it also meant clean bathrooms. When she had been rooming with just Mr. Priest
and Mr. Vash alone, the only real hygiene complaint she had about them—they
being cleaner than most men she encountered and much less likely to make
disgusting noises—was the bathroom. They never rinsed their shaving stubble out
of the sink, like some magic fairy was going to come and clean it up, they
threw their underwear on the floor where she could step in it, and of course
that goddammed toilet seat. She never could understand why Mr. Priest
and Mr. Vash, as intelligent and sharp as they were, could never get that
concept that toilet seats were ruled by the laws of gravity and were meant by
God to stay down. Yes, clean bathrooms were the sign of culture and femininity.
And she was doubly lucky in that she got the best of both worlds since she was
tall and strong and had the freedom to do what those traits brought; she could
do men’s jobs, wear men’s clothes, and do things they could do while still
getting better treatment. At least that’s how it was before she’d been
traveling with just the men. Indeed, being a girl was nice. And it was very nice
to finally have another girl to share the perks with, now that Meryl was gone.
Clean bathrooms were the least of it. The past few days of hustling from hotel
to hotel and rooming with a fellow female had been such a welcome change that
it nearly brought tears to her eyes when she would lie in bed and let her
thoughts wander, like always, to the present and past. There were other nice things about being a girl too,
Milly thought, and fingered the silver chain hidden underneath the collar of
her pajamas. “Hey there,” Rinnah’s voice called out, making her
release the chain in a start. “You look kinda spacey, more so than usual.
What’s up?” She stepped out in her own PJs, fresh from the shower and rubbing
her black hair vigorously with a towel. “Just thinking.” “Looks hard. Does it hurt?” “Well, not my head.” Rinnah flopped down on the opposite bed and regarded
her new close friend in a solemn gaze. “Thinking about old times?” “I try not to most of the time. . .my Big Middle
Brother said that living in the past never did anyone any good. But you know,
Miss Rinnah, ever since you joined up with us it’s almost felt like when it
used to just be the four of us, so I can’t help but think. And I don’t want to
forget either. She was my bestest friend in the whole world, after all.” “She must have been something.” “She was. She was very kind, but she didn’t take
anyone’s guff either. She kept Mr. Vash in line better than anyone I could
think of—she had this leaping slap move that could knock him off his socks if
she needed to. I guess you’ve kind of taken over that job, though.” Rinnah
snorted at that and would have launched into her usual anti-Vash tirade, but
other things were on her mind. “If you don’t mind my prying,” Rinnah asked, voice
unusually soft, “what exactly happened to Meryl?” Milly licked her lips and blinked a few times. “I still
don’t know all the exact little details of what happened, but she was kidnapped
one day, a little more than a year ago. She was set up—she thought she was just
being reassigned somewhere. We both thought it was fishy, because the insurance
company we worked for never broke up teams in the field, but we both ignored
the danger. I should have stopped her. . .but she was my superior and since she
had no objections I didn’t either. Then she was gone. I never saw her after
that. We tried to get her back, we really tried—but it wasn’t enough.” Her
voice wavered in the middle of the explanation and finally broke, but she did
not cry. One or two tears seeped out, that was all. “I was told that she was
being used a. . .some kind of incubator for one of Knives’ experiments. It
killed her in the end, since Meryl was so small and the baby would take too
much out of her.” Rinnah was surprised at the lack of tears; Milly had
struck her as a very emotional person, and the tight look on her face did not
suit her. Unsure of what to do, Rinnah moved and sat down at the edge of
Milly’s thin bed, trying not to squish her friend’s toes. Stupid hotels and
their stupid skinny, short beds. She wasn’t getting her money’s worth. “And that’s why you’ve put up with the boys and their
almighty pissing contest for so long, huh?” Milly grinned at that, but then her eyes grew distant
once more. “Partly. But it’s more than that. I’m not a very vengeful person,
Rinnah, I just don’t see the point in it. And Meryl, I’m certain, wouldn’t want
me to kill anybody, no matter how evil, just for her sake. It doesn’t really
fix anything except your own ego, I think. I could have just gone home and
cried for Meryl, that would have been more satisfying and—um—healthier for my
mind, I guess. This lifestyle isn’t the best outlet for grief.” “For the guys, then?” She laughed. “Wow, you got me pegged! But I guess
there’s not very many other people. But yes. You know how I said Knives
trounced our butts? That was kind of an understatement. Mr. Priest almost died.
Mr. Vash was really weak. They needed me, even if Meryl didn’t anymore. And
when they both got better, I decided that Knives couldn’t just go around doing
what he wanted anymore. It wasn’t right. And I didn’t want anyone else being as
hurt as us four were. I’d never wish it even on the person who stole my
pudding.” Rinnah had to consider the gravity of that last
statement. “Sound like you’ve been through more than I thought.” “Well, not physically. I never got badly shot. Mr.
Priest always was looking out for me, even when--” Her little smile trailed
off, leaving her face blank. Rinnah bit her lip, trying to think of all the
avenues she could take without trampling all over Milly’s rawness like an
elephant, which was very hard for her to do—she hadn’t been promoted on account
of her talent with the red couch, after all. And when she had, she usually had
been the one on the couch. So she decided not to say anything, hoping her
silence would be taken as sympathetic and cue to go on. Milly sighed, resuming her fingering of the silver
chain. “Did you know, Miss Rinnah—and you didn’t hear this from me—that Mr. Priest
was actually working for Knives? They were a group called the Gung-Ho Guns.” “You’re kidding.” The breath Rinnah sucked in
parched her throat, and her heart skipped a beat in a familiar feeling of
shocked dread she’d usually gotten when unknown ships popped up on the monitor
screens. But for once she decided to hear out the full explanation—no sense in
shooting clergymen without hearing the whole story. But it boggled her mind
that Milly could stand even being in the same room with Wolfwood, knowing what
he was, much less being sweethearts with him. Did Milly have some sort of weird
emotional fetish she was unaware of? You think you know a girl. . . “No, I’m not. But calm down, Rinnah, you know he’s on
our side for real. I’m not so dumb that I can be fooled like this twice, you
know! He hates Knives almost as much as Mr. Vash does.” “But—you—you’re still okay with that? I mean,
denial’s fun and all, but--” Milly held up a hand to stave off further
sputtering; spit couldn’t have been good for the floor. “Trust me, Rinnah, I’ve been through it already. I
was so mad when I learned everything. Even then he wouldn’t say it
outright to me; Mr. Vash was the one who told me what he was. For a time I
thought I really hated him, for lying to us all, for letting Meryl get taken.
He knew about it, Rinnah, he admitted he did! It hurt me so much. I
could hardly stand to look at him, and I wouldn’t speak to him directly.” She
lowered her head, her hair brushing against the sides of her face. “I was
pretty mean to him. He tried to pretend he didn’t care, but I could see what
was in his eyes, how much he regretted it. . .and I was happy he suffering. It
was mean and it felt awful, but it felt good at the same time. I liked watching
him dangle like that.” She ran a hand over her face to hide her grimace,
recalling how that old resentment had scalded her insides, the fire branding
over her own pain. “But then I realized I couldn’t hate him. The more I
thought about, the more I saw how much it hurt him, you know? I saw that he
never meant to hurt Meryl or me, but that things that he couldn’t control got
in his way. And he still protected me though I didn’t want him to. He still
cared about him after all I’d said and done to him. Then we got separated from Mr.
Vash and he still helped me and didn’t send me away. I couldn’t understand why
he was doing that. But by that time I was tired of being angry. So I made a
kinda truce with him. That was a big step.” She beamed at Rinnah, who returned
it full force. “But for a while after we escaped, I didn’t know what
to think of him, not completely. I was still kinda suspicious about him, though
I knew he wouldn’t hurt me. It was after he’d been patched up by a doctor and I
had to nurse him all by myself—Mr. Vash had left us—that I really forgave him.
He was so weak and in such pain, Rinnah, it was awful to see him. He nearly
died a couple of times. The first time he almost died, I realized that I didn’t
know what I would do if he died, I didn’t want him to die. I didn’t think that,
after all he’d done and been through, that he deserved it. After that, I
forgave him completely. Just the thought of losing him when he thought I hadn’t
made peace with him made me sick. How can you hold anything against a man who’s
been suffering for all the wrong things? He was miserable, I was
miserable—what’s that saying? ‘The hand that once wounded you will heal you?’” Rinnah looked up to the moons outside, their light
cutting across her face. “He did his penance, huh?” “For me, at least,” Milly sighed. “But I don’t think
he’ll be at peace until Knives is brought down. I know what he’s done still
weighs heavy on him.” She stiffened her shoulders in resolution. “And if I can
help him achieve peace, then I’ll do whatever I can for him. And for Mr. Vash. And
I think Meryl’s spirit would be more at ease to now that I’m trying to stop the
same thing from ever happening to any other person. It’s just not fair or
right, Miss Rinnah, and if I can do something to make it more fair then it’ll
be all worth it.” She couldn’t help but crook an eyebrow. “So not for
revenge?” Milly’s eyes were grave; she rested her chin on her
pajama-clad knees, locking her fingers together. “Not for revenge—I said don’t
believe in it. It’s not worth all the misery we’ve been through. At first I
guess it was about revenge, but hiding away all the time, eating badly and
sleeping worse has a way of tempering you, don’t you know? And here’s the
thing, Miss Rinnah: no matter how much the boys, er, ‘piss’ as you call it, I
know they feel the same way. So please try and remember that when you give Mr.
Vash a hard time.” Rinnah decided she’d believe that when she saw it;
Mr. Congeniality next door had shown nothing noble about him. But why would a
person go through all the things Milly said they’d had unless—No! Impossible!
She wouldn’t believe it of him. But Milly never had led her astray in these
kind of things before. “You’re not kidding, are you? You guys are that
determined? This really isn’t just a huge-ass scale vendetta, isn’t it?” Milly clutched at the cross around her neck once more
and gave her an inscrutable smile. “You’ll just have to see for yourself, Miss
Rinnah. Just wait and see.” END SCENE Trigun is copyright of Mr.
Yasuhiro Nightow. Double Helix and its events are copyright of one
deleria. Rinnah Blackfire and the story Blackfire and Gunsmoke are copyright of Susan/Dwellin. No
infringement intended.
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